Dove in Downtown

Last night an amazing classmate of mine died from cancer. Her name was Lindsey. She was a writer (see her I Am a Liver blog and Santa Monica Next entries) and I'd like to be a better writer so I wanted to jot some thoughts down. We had quite a few classes together and similar interests. We had the same group of friends...the women of the transportation planning classes. Lindsey had a smile that outsized her little frame. A frame that over the years grew thinner and thinner. Lindsey smiled and laughed about a lot of things in school. While we weren't the closest of friends, our group of friends was the same so we saw each other quite a bit. That is until she fell sick. And sadly, that's when I started seeing Lindsey less and checking in with her less. I'm not the kind of person who knows how to approach personal and difficult situations with agility. I'm not the person that people run to with their problems if they want to hear comforting words. All that to say that whenever I had time with Lindsey between class or around the halls of Public Affairs Building, I never knew what to say. I thought, maybe she would like to just have a conversation that isn't about being sick, plus the usual, how are you doing question just doesn't seem like the right thing to ask anymore.

Maybe I'm more emotional with today being only one month until my wedding, but learning of Lindsey's passing hit me pretty hard. Maybe I should have asked her how she was doing more frequently. I definitely should have at least tried a little harder at figuring out what to say.
Preparing for a wedding really helps when sorting out what you value in life and in relationships. So I've been thinking about what and who matters in my life quite a big these days. I wanted to spend some time reflecting on why I thought Lindsey's death stings so much. I knew it was more than the sadness of knowing that a creative, inquisitive urban planner who was only twenty eight years old could no longer share her talents with the world.

About an hour before I found out the news about Lindsey, I was indulging my newfound ear candy at work...public radio podcasts. Clearly I've known about these for a while but I never really listened to public radio podcasts at work. This particular podcast, the Moth Radio Hour, features amateur storytellers sharing their craft with strangers.  One was so funny that I choked back laughter. Another, I knew I shouldn't have listened to, was the self proclaimed saddest story to ever air on the podcast. I figured I could handle it so I gave it a listen. It was about a comedian who landed his dream job with The Tonight Show at  the same time his two year old daughter's cancer came out of remission.  She, like Lindsey, lost her fight. Hearing the pain, confusion, anger, remorse, and overall despair that this man faced losing his daughter made me think of my parents losing my sister whom I never met because she didn't make it home from the hospital.  Knowing that another set of parents lost their daughter and hearing the anguish from the storyteller would give up absolutely everything to have just one more day with his girl set me up to not exactly want to sit in my cubicle the rest of the day.

So I went over to church and lit a few candles or Lindsey, her husband, her parents and her sister. I knelt down, asking for peace for Lindsey and her family. That's when the organist started to play pomp and circumstance--there were a group of high school seniors practicing for their graduation day. Lindsey had dropped out of our program and couldn't walk with us on graduation day. But she persevered and made it to graduation the following year. What a joy to think about and appreciate how Lindsey achieved that tremendous goal.

I walk outside and I sit in the plaza. The right angles and starkness of the church against the perfect blue sky contrast--quite gracefully actually-- like two sheets of school construction paper hastily layered over each other. I look over by the fountain and there is a white dove. Yeah a white dove! I double take and it's gone. If anyone has ever spotted a white dove in downtown LA  please let me know because today was certainly my first time.  I'm not sure what the dove was doing hanging out with me on a Wednesday afternoon, but I'm going to go with the traditional symbols of peace and spirit. So I'm thinking Lindsey is at peace now and wants us to be too.

Little Free (Awesome) Library

In all the years I've lived in LA, I've never had a LA County Public Library card.  Pretty crazy for a nerd as large as myself.  Libraries were a big part of my life growing up both for fun, studying and those pre cell phone days when my siblings and I walked to the library and page my mom from the library payphone.  So, even admitting that I still don't have a library card for my current place of residence, is pretty embarrassing. 

But, I have gone to the library, read plenty of books, and checked out library books.  Yes, I have checked out library books without a library card.  No, not audio book downloads from the online library catalogue.  Not an e-book from the library website.  I checked out a physical book from a library without a library card.  The library wasn't the official public library, but instead a community neighborhood out in front a dentist's office. 

What a cool idea!  How many of us have a ton of books stored away for years that we'd still like to see around, but will probably not read again?  I know I do.  

I first noticed these community libraries at a house about 5 minutes away from me.  It's a cute California bungalow with a hammock in the driveway, a string of lights and a book shelf stuffed with books.  I ran by this house and noticed a homemade sign right next to the sidewalk saying "Stop and Grab a Book" pointing to the driveway with the book shelf.  I stopped dead in my tracks and checked out the selection.  Everything from Harry Potter to childrearing guides to John Muir. The bookshelf had a sticker instructing visitors to leave a book, take a book, or both.  

I've stopped by again and the library was actually fuller than the first time.  Since my discovery of this library right on my normal running route, I've found two more nearby me and both of these community libraries were part of the Little Free Library network.  Today, I picked up a Kurt Vonnegut book from one of them. Somehow I managed to never read a Vonnegut book in high school or college, so I'll get a chance to ameliorate that situation.  Thanks Little Free Library!

Hola Niño

Airports usually aren't too pleasant of places to be near Christmas.  Airports in late December are basically collections of hundreds of people who do not want to be there (transportation disutility for all my transportation nerds).  These people want to be somewhere else.  But, when people are really determined to get somewhere else  in December, they are even motivated enough to drag their children into airports. So this unusually high proportion of children in airports in December is about the only plus of traveling during this time.  They say the darndest things!  At the airport today, I found myself in the middle of a very forward little lady flirting with each a little fellow.  As I was standing in line to check in my bag,  in the lane right behind me, there was a little girl, maybe 5 who was eyeing a maybe 6 year-old boy in the lane in front of me.  She shouts 'hola niño' and then extends her hand for him to shake it.  The poor little guy is a little stunned and I'm not sure that he understood Spanish. And I am literally standing between this puppy love.  I move my very large piece of luggage so that the little boy can without question see the little girl's hand extended.  The little girl's mom laughs and scoots her daughter along in the line, forever separating this adorable encounter.  I later encounter this little girl in the security line and she is totally over it.  I overhear her mom saying something about Disneyland.  I ask the girl, 'a donde vas" and she replies 'a Disneyland.'  Yeah, I'd be over a six -year old boy real quick if my mind was on getting to Disneyland.  Don't worry mija, he is way too confused to appreciate your friendliness.  Give him about fifteen years, give or take.  

Puppy Love

There are also a lot more tiny dogs flying this weekend.  They are mostly chihuahuas.  I'm not a big chihuahua fan, so I don't have much to report on them.  The kids are way cuter. 

True North

Spoiler Alert: (not really, I just talk about one scene in Lincoln, plus, I don't really think there can be spoiler alerts on movies about history all Americans should have learned in 11th grade).  

I'm not one to go to the movies much.  In fact, I can definitely count on one hand the number of times I went out to see a movie while in grad school.  Even before grad school, I was definitely not a movie type of person.  Rare are the moments when I say, today, I want to go see a movie.  But, Lincoln looked to me like a movie I was going to go out of my way to see. 

And was it worth it.  Given how I just struck my movie critic credibility down in the previous paragraph, I can hardly say that I am the movie critiquing authority, but I'm pretty sure Lincoln was a great film.  There was one scene that I found particularly excellent.   It's a private conversation between Lincoln and the abolitionist Congressman Thaddeus Stevens as the fate of the 13th Amendment begins to appear just within their grasp.  I felt like it summarized a key lesson I've come to realize about my experience in government, my politics and my general approach to life.  

"A compass points to true north,” says Lincoln, “ but it gives no indication of the swamps and marshes along the way.  If you just use the compass you will get stuck, and what use is knowing true north if you are drowned in a swamp?”

Ugh, compromise.  The dirty word compromise.  

Compromise in fact is a dirty thing.  When compromising, you can stray from the truth.  You may say things you don't really want to say, perhaps that you don't really even believe.  It can be ugly and probably result in some things that just shouldn't be out in the public view.  

You know who can often be thought of as the ultimate non-compromisers, martyrs.  Martyrs die for their faith.  They refuse to back down and say something they don't mean, even though they could hypothetically compromise their beliefs and go on to say continue their work caring for the sick or whatever saintly activity they were engaging in.  The world does need martyrs. 

But, I'm not a martyr.  I fall into the compromiser category.  Compromise is exactly what our country was based on.  Democracy requires compromise.  Compromise accepts and embraces the reality that we as a society are better off when there is competition of ideas.  

Of course, I don't really know if Lincoln really said that compass quote.  He probably didn't.  And it was just this topic that when I asked a retiring employee at my office who has seen over twenty-five years of policy and politics she said  that the most valuable thing she learned during her time she said that she learned that change takes time and compromise.  Compromising is simply being patient and accepting that you will get further by taking smaller incremental steps than only being okay with giant leaps.

On a related somewhat related note, I discovered the joy of  word clouding.  So, I did a word cloud of Obama's reelection speech.  Here's to compromise.  

I Have a Flight in 6 Hours

Thankful
I haven't been too consistent with this blog thing.  But, I think if there is ever a good time to reflect and write about what the past year has brought, it's two nights before Thanksgiving.  Yes, two whole nights before.  Thanksgiving Torres-style is a two day production, hence not too much time to think about thankfulness.  We have this strategy of cleaning the house  and doing a lot of the food prep work the day before Thanksgiving.  I'd say it works pretty well.  Each of us have our own dish.  Mine is a sweet potato casserole.  I actually even started the Thanksgiving good prep even earlier this year.  I did a practice run on the casserole on Sunday night.  This year has definitely been one of a change.  I completed the biggest life goal that I've set for myself thus far.  I finished my masters degree.  I am the first one in my family to do so.  I join a small percent of Mexican-Americans who have an advanced degree. Pretty awesome considering the odds. And with that comes a pretty big responsibility to give back.   That leads me to the next awesome thing for which I am thankful.  Although it took a little while, I have a job where I feel like I am making a difference.  I work with excellent people and have enough freedom to bring my ideas to fruition.  That is probably the most empowering feeling in the world.  that is actually what I get out of my job.  Sure I get enough money to feel like I can take care of myself and my future, but I get the satisfaction that I my ideas are powerful enough to affect change.  That is about the almost the best thing anyone could ask for.

And those are just things and ideas.

What is even more awesome than those things and ideas are people. I am blessed with loving and compassionate people all around me.  I have friends from Kentucky to San Francisco to Washington DC to Sacramento to Los Angeles who have throughout the year dropped everything to listen to me, to support me, to laugh with me and to cry with me. This year we've spent hours at coffee shops finishing client projects, powered through coaching sessions for upcoming interviews, celebrated birthdays in downtown LA, hit the wineries, devoured some tacos on Tuesdays, run half-marathons, and so much more.

And then there is my wonderful family.  I guess you could say that we've had better years, but I think we've come out of it stronger.  We lost our Abuelito, but we are still together.  We know how to better express ourselves and we know even more so how much more we love each other.  The little cousins are getting cuter every day and all the big cousins are off doing great things, educating the world, and raising great families.  I miss you all when I am away and think about you all quite a bit.

And last, but not definitely not least is my Sean. This Thanksgiving marks the first time that we really get to spend it together and I am so excited.   Thanksgiving is just one of the moments when I get to think about how much I love him.  Even though we are away from each other right now, that is one thing that I get to do when I am not in the same place as him.  I really have time to think just what it is about the man that I love so much.  He motivates me because he chases his dreams without hesitation.    He reminds me to have fun with his endless pursuit of adventure.  He shows me an example of unconditional love with his, well, love.  The love that tells me I look beautiful even though he hasn't seen me in weeks.  The love that makes me feel like things will get better when I'm down.  The love that disagrees with me sometimes, but can still get over it when I am always right ;) The love that will hold my hand through thick and thin.  The love that makes me feel like I can begin to grasp forever.  I know, barf, as Tina would say.  But, seriously, I really could not ask for a better life.

Happy Thanksgiving and many blessings to you and your family.

Lucky

I walked into my office this morning and there sitting on my chair was the November issue of Lucky magazine.  Thinking that it belonged to our office tech, since she is the only person in the office who has pulled out a magazine at work, I say, oh thanks Jenn for bringing me the magazine.  Except she didn't bring it in.  Which is weird because a. I've never even seen a magazine at work except in her hands, b. it's Monday morning at 9 and I was at my office on Friday until 5:30 meaning someone brought it to me pretty darn early Monday morning (the magazine was apparently already on my chair before Jenn got to the office at 8 am, and c. I don't even read fashion magazines.

Naturally, I'm intrigued by the mystery magazine gifter.  I try to deduce who would have brought it to me.  I only have so many friend, friends at work.  You know the kind who would come bring you a present first thing on Monday morning (and most of them don't just stop by my office randomly). My next clue is that this person doesn't really know me that well because I don't actually read fashion magazines.  In fact, that might be the first time I've ever looked at a Lucky magazine.  I flip through the magazine to see if there is some picture or article that made someone think of me.  Like maybe an article on what to wear when riding your bike to work or an article on the secret lives of UCLA color guard alumni or how to survive dating a musician.  Nope, just the standard articles comparing 7 different types of canary yellow nail polish.  And then I look at the cover again.  The cover is a picture of Sofia Vergara.  Did someone leave this magazine on my chair because they assumed I'd like it because Sofia Vergara, hot, Latina mom from Modern Family was on it?   Kind of a stretch, but it did seem quite possible after I thought about it.  I mean forget all the stupid stuff that Sofia says during the interview basically saying she just sells her body and she knows that's why she's famous.  There was a woman with brown hair and a Spanish last name on the cover.  But, the fact that someone assumed I'd like it because I too have brown hair and Spanish last name was not really what bothered me.  Once I thought about it, not one other Latina professional staff in the entire department came to mind.   I work at a place that mostly employs scientists and engineers, meaning disproportionately men and not Latina/o.  I could think of a few Latinos and some women who work as support staff, but no other professional Latina staff.   I'm sure they are out there given that the place has over 500 people working there.  But, I could not think of a single one.

Papi!

My mom has fewer wrinkles than I do!

Yay for education. 

Now, I have not felt out of place at my office at all.  People respect me and the work that I do because I've earned it. And my section of the department is actually quite diverse and young for state government.  But, when I had a chance to reflect on it, the whole experience reminded me of two things.  First, it really spoke to the lack of Latinos in the STEM fields due to the litany of issues that make succeeding in science for people of color (that I won't go into in this post). Second,  it reminded me of why I need to strive to not just be a good worker bee in my rank and file position, but that I have been lucky to have the tools to be a leader in a place like my office, where women like me are thoroughly underrepresented.  And lucky to have the support to have gotten me to where I am today.  I can think of two particularly awesome Mexican people who I have as examples, my mom and papi.  Without them taking a step towards a better life by attending UCLA, neither me nor any of my siblings would be where we are today.  Plus, I'd like to see   Sofia in 10 years try to look as awesome as my mom does today.

Mosquitoes

I heard the Dalai Lama speak a year ago.  He was an engaging speaker and of course, full of great insight. Unfortunately, the thing I remember most vividly was his response to a question from the audience.  He was asked if he'd ever killed anything before.  His Holiness spoke with a bit of disdain in his voice and started talking about his dislike of mosquitoes.  Yes, the Dalai Lama had in fact ended the life of a mosquito before.  The man won me over.

Unfortunately, mosquitoes love me.  At the moment, I have seven mosquito bites.  And its not even summer anymore. When I first lived in Sacramento, I had unreal levels of mosquito bites during the summer months.  This go around is proving to just as lovely.

So why do mosquitoes love me more than say everyone else around me?  From my preliminary research online, it seems like the jury is still out on why exactly mosquitoes some people more than others. One site said it was partially based on blood type.  A couple of sites said that mosquitoes like people who have been drinking beer.  Apparently if you have stinky socks, they like that too.  Given that I didn't drink beer today nor was I wearing socks (wore sandals), I think the field needs a bit more research.

Any other theories?

So as much as I love Sacramento, I have to say that LA definitely wins in the lack of mosquitoes category.  (and LA wins in the awesome car-free street event category.  Today, was LA's 5th cicLAvia.  Photo for today's post is from a previous ciclavia)