Dove in Downtown

Last night an amazing classmate of mine died from cancer. Her name was Lindsey. She was a writer (see her I Am a Liver blog and Santa Monica Next entries) and I'd like to be a better writer so I wanted to jot some thoughts down. We had quite a few classes together and similar interests. We had the same group of friends...the women of the transportation planning classes. Lindsey had a smile that outsized her little frame. A frame that over the years grew thinner and thinner. Lindsey smiled and laughed about a lot of things in school. While we weren't the closest of friends, our group of friends was the same so we saw each other quite a bit. That is until she fell sick. And sadly, that's when I started seeing Lindsey less and checking in with her less. I'm not the kind of person who knows how to approach personal and difficult situations with agility. I'm not the person that people run to with their problems if they want to hear comforting words. All that to say that whenever I had time with Lindsey between class or around the halls of Public Affairs Building, I never knew what to say. I thought, maybe she would like to just have a conversation that isn't about being sick, plus the usual, how are you doing question just doesn't seem like the right thing to ask anymore.

Maybe I'm more emotional with today being only one month until my wedding, but learning of Lindsey's passing hit me pretty hard. Maybe I should have asked her how she was doing more frequently. I definitely should have at least tried a little harder at figuring out what to say.
Preparing for a wedding really helps when sorting out what you value in life and in relationships. So I've been thinking about what and who matters in my life quite a big these days. I wanted to spend some time reflecting on why I thought Lindsey's death stings so much. I knew it was more than the sadness of knowing that a creative, inquisitive urban planner who was only twenty eight years old could no longer share her talents with the world.

About an hour before I found out the news about Lindsey, I was indulging my newfound ear candy at work...public radio podcasts. Clearly I've known about these for a while but I never really listened to public radio podcasts at work. This particular podcast, the Moth Radio Hour, features amateur storytellers sharing their craft with strangers.  One was so funny that I choked back laughter. Another, I knew I shouldn't have listened to, was the self proclaimed saddest story to ever air on the podcast. I figured I could handle it so I gave it a listen. It was about a comedian who landed his dream job with The Tonight Show at  the same time his two year old daughter's cancer came out of remission.  She, like Lindsey, lost her fight. Hearing the pain, confusion, anger, remorse, and overall despair that this man faced losing his daughter made me think of my parents losing my sister whom I never met because she didn't make it home from the hospital.  Knowing that another set of parents lost their daughter and hearing the anguish from the storyteller would give up absolutely everything to have just one more day with his girl set me up to not exactly want to sit in my cubicle the rest of the day.

So I went over to church and lit a few candles or Lindsey, her husband, her parents and her sister. I knelt down, asking for peace for Lindsey and her family. That's when the organist started to play pomp and circumstance--there were a group of high school seniors practicing for their graduation day. Lindsey had dropped out of our program and couldn't walk with us on graduation day. But she persevered and made it to graduation the following year. What a joy to think about and appreciate how Lindsey achieved that tremendous goal.

I walk outside and I sit in the plaza. The right angles and starkness of the church against the perfect blue sky contrast--quite gracefully actually-- like two sheets of school construction paper hastily layered over each other. I look over by the fountain and there is a white dove. Yeah a white dove! I double take and it's gone. If anyone has ever spotted a white dove in downtown LA  please let me know because today was certainly my first time.  I'm not sure what the dove was doing hanging out with me on a Wednesday afternoon, but I'm going to go with the traditional symbols of peace and spirit. So I'm thinking Lindsey is at peace now and wants us to be too.